My baby is growing up. Yes, they all do, but some of these growth spurts are harder than others. You watch the baby steps as the days pass, and for the most part those steps bring joy into the process as they accomplish new things. Today is different.
Today my baby isn’t six months old tasting her first bite of solid food…turning the texture over on her tongue and gagging over the graininess of finely pureed food. She isn’t nine months old and shocking us with her first steps, bottle dangling from her teeth as she tries to become mobile and NOT let go of her favorite apple juice. She isn’t even five and braving her first day of class, thirteen and crying over mean girls in middle school, or, sixteen and dressed like a princess for her first dance…all very memorable moments that do bring a smile to my face.
Today my baby is 22 years of age. And I can’t smile over this baby step. I have known this day was coming for a very long time. It is a moment I tried to avoid thinking about, because it has been painful to envision her experiencing it. You see, today my baby came face to face with death. My baby as a nursing student was called to assist on her first code and death in the ICU ward she is working...IS working. The moment is so fresh that I can’t seem to function without stopping to process how she must feel. She was there, did all she knew to do, and when the immediacy of the moment passed she had to leave the room and text us…because she simply needed us to know. It doesn’t matter how old they are when they take the baby step, they still need us in their corner. They don’t necessarily need us to do anything, rush to their aid, or, step in. She just needed us to know.
So what did I do next? I began to pray, I turned to all that love her and I enough to pray right now.
And I want her to know these things…Just as it is a privilege to be present when a life takes its first breath, so it is to be present for its last. I am grateful to the one that made her in His image. Because of his great compassion and kindness, she is a mirror of His reflection. I want her to know that her great big beautiful heart and ability to show grief in moments like this, will speak loudly of HIS loving nature. I admire her ability to say yes to a life of serving and caring for others, even when it hurts.
Mostly, I want her to know how very proud I am that she came from me.
I love you, HSB.
Friday, February 10, 2012
My 180…
What is my motivation for change? Why do we do, what we do? On the never ending path of self discovery, I am learning new things about myself. The past few years have been full of surprises, to say the least. There have been moments, people and places that have made my heart rich. There have been moments I doubted I would survive successfully, fearing I would stay in brokenness. Such extreme experiences, each useful in carving away the rough stuff, and refining the details of who I am. Bottom line, I want to reflect a purpose much bigger than me. Larger than what appears to be the outcome of devastation. Greater than what may look like accomplishment. That’s the motivation for my 180.
We are all different, and I do realize that change can be a bit of a dirty word to some. But to me, well, it kind of makes me tick. Something about the potential of “what if” makes me very happy. I start to formulate lists of possibilities. I throw thoughts around my mind until they become so deafening internally that I have to let them out. Yes, there are fears and insecurities. If honest, we all have them. But I guess the “what if” is becoming weightier than the fear, with every moment.
What if…I give without expectation, choose to dwell on goodness, own my shortcomings without blaming…I forgive as quickly as I am offended, speak the truth in love, and laugh over the spilt milk in life…I look for the silver lining, believe and hope for the best, be the first to respond when there is a need…l look for the value in others, extend a helping hand, offer what I have & not expect return…I treat others without thought of where it may get me, I approached situations as if “NO” wasn’t an option, and learned to turn my fears of failure into adventures… I build up, make beautiful, spur on…I look in your eyes when I speak to you, giving you my ear & focus because I want you to know that I find worth in you. You matter. Your very existence has meaning and purpose.
“Your lives are like a letter from Christ. He did not write his letter with ink but with the Spirit of the living God. He did not write it on stone but deep inside living human people” 2 Cor. 3:3
Just imagine it. If I were to live my life as a letter from God, openly read. If my transparency were to show the turn I’ve made…if somehow in the reading of my life, others would encounter the Spirit of the living God, their Designer and Creator. And in that introduction, they too would come upon a turn in their own paths of purpose, greater than they could have imagined. Pretty sure we would see the world turned upside down.
What if…
What is my motivation for change? Why do we do, what we do? On the never ending path of self discovery, I am learning new things about myself. The past few years have been full of surprises, to say the least. There have been moments, people and places that have made my heart rich. There have been moments I doubted I would survive successfully, fearing I would stay in brokenness. Such extreme experiences, each useful in carving away the rough stuff, and refining the details of who I am. Bottom line, I want to reflect a purpose much bigger than me. Larger than what appears to be the outcome of devastation. Greater than what may look like accomplishment. That’s the motivation for my 180.
We are all different, and I do realize that change can be a bit of a dirty word to some. But to me, well, it kind of makes me tick. Something about the potential of “what if” makes me very happy. I start to formulate lists of possibilities. I throw thoughts around my mind until they become so deafening internally that I have to let them out. Yes, there are fears and insecurities. If honest, we all have them. But I guess the “what if” is becoming weightier than the fear, with every moment.
What if…I give without expectation, choose to dwell on goodness, own my shortcomings without blaming…I forgive as quickly as I am offended, speak the truth in love, and laugh over the spilt milk in life…I look for the silver lining, believe and hope for the best, be the first to respond when there is a need…l look for the value in others, extend a helping hand, offer what I have & not expect return…I treat others without thought of where it may get me, I approached situations as if “NO” wasn’t an option, and learned to turn my fears of failure into adventures… I build up, make beautiful, spur on…I look in your eyes when I speak to you, giving you my ear & focus because I want you to know that I find worth in you. You matter. Your very existence has meaning and purpose.
“Your lives are like a letter from Christ. He did not write his letter with ink but with the Spirit of the living God. He did not write it on stone but deep inside living human people” 2 Cor. 3:3
Just imagine it. If I were to live my life as a letter from God, openly read. If my transparency were to show the turn I’ve made…if somehow in the reading of my life, others would encounter the Spirit of the living God, their Designer and Creator. And in that introduction, they too would come upon a turn in their own paths of purpose, greater than they could have imagined. Pretty sure we would see the world turned upside down.
What if…
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